Friday, May 9, 2014

Kim Kardashian is a Klingon

Whenever Coma Dolls are opening up for some huge arena act like The Strokes or Panic! At The Disco

I plan to use my fame to sleep with Kim Kardashian.

Then when she is following me around at a party, acting all clingy, holding onto my arm, I will say

"Hey sweetie, why don't you go freshen my martini?" and hand her my empty glass.

When she walks away I will say in my drollest Downton Abbey accent "She says she's a Kardashian, but she acts more like a Kling-on."

Then all my nerdy friends and I will laugh through our noses at her, slap live long and proper high-fives and push up our glasses at the same time.

You just got played by a geek, Miss Kardashian.

Checkmate, bitch.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Thomas Jefferson Would Beat Yo Ass

People who (mis)interpret the second amendment to the constitution are too insane to own deadly weapons.

They keep saying "Der tryin to take our guns."

They are the same people who say of immigrants "Dey took our jobs."

No one wants YOUR gun you jerkoff.


These paranoid conspiracy theorists do NOT speak for the people.

They are, in fact, lunatic fringe.

The NRA has 1.5 million members (even though the fudge their numbers and say they have twice that many.)

1.5 million FOR and 300 million AGAINST.

The intelligent people of America DEMAND mandatory criminal and psychological background checks for potential gun owners.

If you have an anger problem then you do not need a gun.

If you have psychological impairments such as schizophrenia none of us want you armed.

If you have a history of violence then sorry, no gun for you.


If these common sense laws offend you then I doubt that YOU want what is best for our country.

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun...IS TO KEEP SO MANY BAD GUYS FROM GETTING GUNS.

These gun nuts keep saying that they will use their guns to take on the government one day.


You really think our own government is going to use it's own military against it's own citizens?

First of all that is paranoid thinking.

Second of all your AR-15 assault rifle would not help you against tanks and the advanced weaponry our military has.

You are talking crazy talk while we are pleading for REASONABLE regulation.

When our forefathers wrote the constitution, the most powerful firearm was A MUSKET!!

It took six minutes to load and fired one shot that was only effective at distances of 6-8 feet.

Don't tell me Thomas Jefferson wanted you to own an AR-15.

He would beat your ass for saying some shit like that.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

David Ladue Voted Most Like to Be a Minnesota School Shooter

I've processing the near-miss school shooting in Minnesota.

For those of you who didn't see the story a 17 year old honor roll student had planned to kill his family with a rifle, set a diversionary fire (to pull police away from his school) then drive to the school and while THE ENTIRE SCHOOL was having lunch, detonate several pressure cooker bombs, killing every person in the cafeteria and waiting outside the lunch room exit, murdering those who escaped the bombs as they came out.

His plan was solid and he had the artillery.

Nine guns and 7 finished bombs (he was working on more when the police caught him).

He had been working on his plan for 10 months.

He had written a 150 page manifesto about it.

He was not bullied.

He was well-liked.

So what gives?

I am tired of people saying "mental illness".

What does that even mean?

Isn't that just the way we describe things that make no sense to us?

The principal said "These events are the canary in the coal mine." meaning that there were the symptom of a much bigger problem in our culture.

This just doesn't happen in other countries.

And when it HAS happened, the country's governments have reacted with extreme measures to keep it from reoccurring.

So how is it that we have this happen so many times in America that we barely bat an eye?

What is wrong with our culture?

Why are these kids always male?

Why are they always white?

Why do they always come from middle class or suburban families?

Why aren't poor kids the ones doing the mass shootings?

Why do the predominance of these shootings seem to happen in blue states?

If it were YOUR kid, would you have known what he was about to do?

He was into heavy metal.

So fucking what?

He liked horror movies.

Who the fuck doesn't?

He was said to love violent video games.

Like every kid in America.

He hunted and killed animals.


He idolized Eric Harris and Dillon Tibold (the Columbine killers).


People knew this and they didn't see this coming?!?!

Who the fuck idolizes school shooters?!

He wanted to do the shooting on 4/20, not in celebration of marijuana, like a normal teenager, but in celebration of the anniversary of the Columbine massacre.

But he couldn't, because 4/20 was Easter Sunday and school was not in session.

So he decided to make more bombs and do it in May.

And then he fucked up and got busted.

He said that he was going to kill people until the swat team killed him.

But now he is in custody and he seems to like talking.

So maybe we can learn about what goes on in the mind of a spree killer.

I really want to know.

I want to know why this happens so we can prevent it from ever happening again.

I want to know why this happens in America all the time, and doesn't happen other places.

Oh and one more thing.

They are trying him as a minor, which means he will be free when he is 21.

I am outraged by this.

If they try him as an adult he will be free at age 35.

Still too soon.

The guy was going to kill 600 children!!!!

He tested his bombs on the elementary school playground!!!!

Seriously just kill this prick.

But study him first.

Find out why this happens.

Then put a bullet in his head.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014



Why do men rape?

Why do men murder?

Why do men commit armed robbery?

Why don't women do these things?

More than 90% of violent crimes are committed by men.


Is there something in that single chromosome pair that makes mean angry and violent?

Does testosterone cause all this?

Or is there something else?

Women have always been told to be compliant.

While men have been told to be competitive.

Now, at last, as we move towards a more enlightened culture, women are encouraged to assert themselves and be...and be...what exactly?

We tell women to not be compliant, but after that aren't we telling them to repeat the mistakes that men have made?

Is that really something to aspire to?

What if we taught our men to be less competitive?

What happens to a little boy who doesn't compete?

Not just on the sports field, but in every aspect of life?

To be male is to compete for everything.

Compete for the girl.

Have the best car.

The flaring of nostrils and posturing.

The implied violence towards the weak.

It shapes us from early childhood.

I said to my daughter "You know what I like about females? Even if they are not friends, and one of them is in trouble, another female seems to come to their aid."

She said "Yeah. That's called girl code."

I said "There is also a guy code, but it is all about who is the manliest. It certainly doesn't involve us helping out other males when they are weak. I think girl code is better."

The average adult male has one friend.

The average adult female has five.

Women are social whereas men are isolated and competitive.

This was not wired into our chromosomes.

This is what happens when we allow culture to dictate gender roles.

So fuck compliance, but what about the other C-words women seem to embrace, compassion, community, camaraderie, caring, connection?

These words are not synonymous with being male.

If males practice caring and connection with other males they are considered weak.

Men cannot talk intimately with each other.

Everything is a joke, a form of one-upsmanship.

Everything must be conquered.

A man listens to another man's story and then seeks to tell one that makes the first man's story sound minuscule.

The world is nothing more than a constant pissing contest for men.

Every woman is privately objectified as the only safe male camaraderie is when it is interlaced with competition.

If we are on a team to defeat the enemy then we are allowed to show connection to other men.

So in an attempt for males to be able to bond with each other, they treat women as the enemy and something to be defeated...conquered.

If a man can assure another man that he will fuck any female that draws breath then and only then does he qualify for the tiniest of male affections, because then he is safe.

Men live their entire lives competing and now, as we are finally working towards uplifting our women towards equality, we have simultaneously duped them into thinking power means to be like a man?!

Perhaps women were more evolved all along.

They aren't the ones doing the raping and the murdering.

Perhaps we should start teaching our boys the core values that we encourage in our girls, instead of telling women to be more competitive.

Ten thousand years of male dominance has brought us to this.

Perhaps it is time to try sometime else.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Defining Freedom in Amuuurica

I once heard someone say

"Sacrifice means giving up something good, to achieve something great."

Americans love to talk about freedom, but I wonder if many Americans even understand what freedom really is.

It is virtually impossible to get anything done without some brainwashed zealot screaming about their FREEDOM.

Having lunch with a buddy of mine, who works for the FBI, shortly after the Aurora, Colorado Bat Man shooting, I asked him

"This guy bought $1200 worth of ammo for automatic weapons online. How did you let that slip under the radar?"

He said "We should have caught it, but we caught this one."

With that he showed me a news story where the FBI busted a man who was planning on shooting up the premier of the new Twilight movie.

Yet people cry about the idea that the FBI could be monitoring their internet usage.

THAT is a freedom I am willing to give up if it means we can stop psychos from killing our children.

Let the FBI see the porn I wank to.

It's really not that exciting.

Let them monitor my Facebooking.

Seriously they will be bored to tears.


We have the technology to prevent senseless crime before it even occurs if we implement it properly and we should not let the paranoid rantings of a minority of people spreading propaganda keep us from living in safety.

We all have to be willing to make sacrifices for the greater good.

What if it was your wife who was murdered?

Your husband?

Your child?

Shot to death while watching a movie or walking down the street.

Would that change your mind?

The FREEDOM word gets thrown around when people talk about guns as well.

Hey I'm all for it.

If you want a gun, have one, but register it and pass a psychological and criminal background check.

That way I know the guns are getting into the hands of the good guys and not psychos and criminals.

But the mere mention of a reasonable measure such as this has people hollering about their FREEDOM.

Leading me to believe that most people do not even know what freedom means.

"Do you mean that every American should have the right to own a firearm?"

"Hell yeah!" they say

"So every American should be allowed to own a musket? As this was the most powerful firearm when The Second Amendment was drafted?"

"Times have changed. Now we need more advanced guns. The criminals have them. We need them."

"So every American should be allowed to own a rocket launcher? A tank? A suitcase nuke?"

"Well that's ridiculous." they say, but where do they draw the line?

The truth is that they DO NOT KNOW what is right.

Their views are arbitrary.

But they are loud and well funded.

What they lack in education they make up for in volume.

They will not be silent and neither should we.

Compassionate, intelligent people must always be vigilant.

We must not lose out to paranoid people who believe they must stockpile an arsenal to battle our own government.

That is insane thinking.

If the government really wants you in an internment camp, your M16 is NOT going to help you, pal.

They will open, flash and clear your house so fast that you will be incarcerated before you wake up.

The fact is that our government doesn't want us in concentration camps, as crazy right wing talk show hosts would have us believe.

They want us shopping, spending money and stimulating the economy.

Freedom doesn't mean "I can do what I want whenever I want and others have to deal with the consequences."

Freedom doesn't mean I can drive a hummer and let my kids deal with the consequences to the environment.

Freedom doesn't mean I can shop at a store who uses sweat shop labor and treats it's employees like shit so I can save a few pennies at the expense of the happiness of others.

Freedom doesn't mean I can throw 1 million pieces of Styrofoam and plastic into the ground and expect someone else to deal with it.

Freedom means we all work together and make sacrifices so that we can go from having a good country to having the best country.

Freedom isn't about what's best for ME.

Freedom is about what's best for EVERYONE.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The One Percent Ghost

One day there will be a superhero vigilante who will target the wealthy elite.

There will be a story on the news.

A billionaire found dead in his home with a note attached saying "...with liberty and justice for all..."

A few weeks later a second body found.

Another billionaire.

This one says "We hold these truths to be self-evident."

When a week later "Life", "Liberty" and "The pursuit of happiness" are found, three different bodies, two senators and a lobbyist for the NRA, it is clear that there is a pattern emerging.

Soon the powerful are riding in armored cars, escorted by small armies of mercenaries.

Some take a proactive approach and start foundations and hold press conferences where they say things like

"The time is long overdue that the people who are blessed with wealth give back to the community."

And somewhere in a dark room, the murderer takes their names off his list.

The media dubs him The Robin Hood Killer (a moniker he hates) and soon he is a celebrity.

People sell T-shirts on street corners of a hooded figure chasing down a man in a business suit who is holding bags with dollar signs on them in each hand.

The killer strikes again and again with military like precision.

People speculate that he must have special ops training.

The irony that our very own military industrial complex created the machine that would kill it's own creator does not escape the media and they start asking the questions they should have been asking all along about America's foreign policy.

After victims 14 and 15 are brought down by consecutive sniper bullets, most of the remaining 1% move overseas to their island homes and after victim 19, a tea party congressman, is strangled in his own home, both the house and senate are moved to a secret location.

Man on the street interviews show people saying things like "This is ridiculous. That man had a wife and family." but more people are in support, saying things like "These people have been keeping us down, stealing our money and lying to us long enough. It's time they experience fear the way we live with everyday."

But the killer slips up.

The police have a man in custody.

And the FBI was right.

He is a former navy seal, who has stage 4 cancer and less than two years to live.

Further research shows that he lost his daughter to a rare blood disease that he believes could have been treated if only they could have afforded better medical care.

Across the country a catch phrase begins circulating.

A show of solidarity that is plastered on t-shirts and bumper stickers everywhere.

Three simple words.

"I'm Robin Hood."

In prison, the killer is a hero to people who have no understanding of what it is he was trying to accomplish.

"You shouldda killed my landlord." one man says.

"You did what I WISH I had done." another inmate says "I used to fantasize about killin my boss, daily."

He doesn't bother to explain his mission.

He wonders if it was all a mistake.

And then...

The murders start up again.

All over the country bodies are turning up with notes tagged to them.

Horrible parodies that show that the copy-cats have no clue of what this was supposed to be about.

Good people are killed, simply for being perceived as being wealthy or having a little bit of power.

Notes are tagged to the bodies that say simply "I'm Robin Hood."

In Vegas a man is killed walking out of a casino simply because he had good fortune on the slot machines.

In Nebraska, a man who was previously dirt poor is assassinated because he won the powerball.

He never even received the first check.

He was found dead in his trailer with a note that said "For the people, by the people."

This vigilantism goes on for months, while the real killer's health deteriorates to nothing.

Once the media referred to him as a ghost, but now he looks more like a skeleton.

He is put into a prison hospital for his final days when the unthinkable happens.

A senator from Minnesota, by all accounts a good woman, is shot and killed while walking out of her home.

The assailant throws up his hands immediately after pulling the trigger and can be seen over several cell phone recordings rebroadcast on the nightly news smiling and saying "I'm Robin Hood"

The television plays in the hospital room where the original killer is waiting to die.

As he drifts in and out of consciousness he wonders if any of what he is seeing on the news is real.

A few days later FBI agents visit the man and ask him to hold a press conference.

He agrees.

The press conference is the most widely viewed event in the history of American television.

It is held in a high-school auditorium and more than 500 members of the press attend.

He refuses help to get to the table and it takes him a long time.

The room is silent as he sits down and begins to read from a prepared statement.

Every eye in every home in America and millions overseas is trained on the skeletal man as he struggles to breathe and reads the message he was told to read.

Most of the message is true.

It is true that he wants the blood of the innocent to stop being spilled.

It is true that what was happening was not his original vision and that he is sorry that things have spun out of control.

But what is clear to him, what sickens him, what makes him feel like he is disrespecting the memory of his daughter, is that these words are designed to protect the people who wrote them.

He pauses for a long time and stares down at his hands.

Then he pushes the papers away and begins to speak slowly.

"Your captors and my captors are the same...and they tell us the same lies...they say work will make us free...they say if we are willing to work hard enough we can achieve our dreams...they tell us that we are each other's enemy...they use fear to control and manipulate us and to sell us things we don't need...they tell us we are inadequate...they tell us we are ugly..."

Government officials start telling the broadcasters to kill the feed, to cut to commercial.

Some do.

Most do not.

Some refuse because of the ratings and some refuse out of personal politics.

At home, viewers turn the channel until they find a feed of the speech that will begin a movement that will later be dubbed Compassionate Capitalism.

When the man is done speaking one of the reporters asks "So your message is to stop the killing?"

The man answers "What I said was to stop killing the innocent, but to have a true revolution then perhaps those who seek to manipulate us and control us must be sacrificed."

After another long pause the same reporter asks "So who do you think should be killed?"

Turning the papers over in front of him and holding them up for the cameras to see, he says slowly

"Well I have this list."

And with that 30,000 television stations cut to commercial.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

FML But Text Me In The Morning

I've often thought depression was just the result of paying attention.

What do you do when you know you need help, but you know there is no help for what you have?

There is no time for this.

Things must be done.

All day..everyday.

Things must be done.

Money must be made and bills must be paid.

Or else we learn the meaning of REAL suffering.

Who has the time?

I do not even have the time to feel my own pain.

No one else has the time to truly understand the anguish of another.

The world spins so fast.

I can never keep up.

I hate alarm clocks and deadlines and taxes and political agendas.

I hate the news and sports and reality tv and I love/hate the fact that everyone loves this fucked up shit circus.

I have never belonged.

I am too weak...or am overly hostile.

I am happiness wrapped in sadness.

Anger solves nothing.

Tears solve nothing.

Apathy wears thin once again.

They call it mental illness, but it is not so simple.

They offer me their gods, but I cannot buy in.

It is that which torments me which lets me know I am alive.

It is that which keeps me up at night that exhausts me completely.

I envy simplicity.

Those readily entertained and easily amused.

I am a genetic mutation that will be phased out.

Whatever is keeping me alive is also killing me.

I am lost and I am scared.

And yet I am alright.

I've finally given up thinking that I was going to mature past this or figure it out.

This must be who I am.

For better or for worse.