Wednesday, February 26, 2014


"When god closes a door he opens a window"?

There are soooooooooooooooo many things wrong with this sentence.

First off, who wants to climb out a window?

What if you are fat?

What if you are handicapped?

Then what?

I mean seriously, you are GOD!!

Can't you close a door and create ANOTHER FUCKING DOOR!!!

Here's the other thing.

Did you check the door?

Maybe it's just closed.

Not even locked.

What kind of jackass climbs out a window before even checking the door?

I'll tell you what kind.

The kind that says stupid shit like "When god closes a door HE opens a window."

And another thing, I'm sick of this HE shit.

If god existed it would be ALL powerful and would be above human form, but if it DID have a human form it would have ALL sex organs or possibly NONE.

The fact that people still say HE is just ridiculous subversive sexism and it permeates the entire culture and sends the message that women are inferior.

If HE closes a door and opens a window then HE is clearly a dick for doing such shit (if indeed the door is actually locked).

Perhaps god just wants a little privacy.

Perhaps god closed the door because YOU are fucking annoying and THEY are sick of listening to you grovel about all the shit in your life that YOU fucked up.

Perhaps god closed the door because you are a dick and THEY are sick of your shit.

Perhaps god opened the window so you would JUMP THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

Maybe god IS real and SHE wants you to examine your platitudes.

And don't even get me started on "If god gives you lemons..."

I fucking LIKE lemons and feel THIS statement is insulting on a completely different level.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Single On Valentine's Day (a rant for single people)

A friend of mine recently attempted to insult this misogynist asshole I know.

Forgetting I was single, she said "And that's why he isn't married."

As if...

As if being married...or in a relationship is somehow inherently superior to being single.

Single seems natural to me.

I was BORN single.

I am HAPPY single.

I would consider having a girlfriend, but she would have to be AMAZING!!

Because my life is in fact AMAZING already and everything that comes into it must be to this standard.

My band is amazing.

My friends are amazing.

My kids are A-FUCKING-MAZING!!

I have the car I want...the guitars I want...I even have the fucking TV I want.

I live in America where I have such mind-bending decisions as to WHICH pizza will I order tonight? Or should I watch The Office again? start Breaking Bad over? or watch a movie?


So why accept an average person for a mate?

I am NOT down on monogamy.

Some of the best times in my life were had with a "special someone", but the idea that just being in a relationship is a good thing is asinine.

Most couples are miserable.

They are two people caught in an endless loop of unresolved childhood issues, projected and played out on each other and it is just sad.

When I DO meet a girl it usually plays out like this:

"Oh she's pretty." then I talk to her.

And I find out...

She lacks intelligence...or lacks ambition...or says something stupid like "Who has time to read?" or "I don't like Sonic Youth." or "Who's Wes Anderson?"

Or I meet someone who is totally amazing, but the attraction isn't there for one or both of us.

Which is awesome, because then I have an amazing new friend.

I LIKE single people.

I like people who have inner-strength and who aren't looking for someone else to complete their lives.

People say to me often "You have such high standards."

And that's the key isn't it?

Lowering our standards.

That's what people do, right?

People are so lonely that they lower their standards and end up in a relationship with some asshole.

One day at a time they SETTLE for a person who isn't what they dreamed of and they make excuses for them.

And this allows them to make excuses for themselves.

And they make excuses for their shit job.

They call it acceptance... so it doesn't sound so bad.

And then they tell us single people that our "standards are to high"

Perhaps our standards for what we require in a mate SHOULD be high.

And our standards for what we will accept from ourselves should definitely be high.

Perhaps being single is to be admired.

Perhaps self-sufficiency should be saluted over codependency.

Perhaps Cupid needs glasses.

Or a decent therapist.

Or maybe he should just switch to tranquilizing darts.

Instead of those real ones that often seem so misguided.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Through the use of simple, already existing technology we can all but wipe out the problem of gun violence in our great country.

With just a few simple laws passed all guns can be equipped with this amazing new technology and older guns can be retro-fitted.

This is nano-technology and can fit easily into the handle of ANY gun.

These proposals simultaneously protect YOUR safety and YOUR Second Amendment Rights.

Here are the proposals.

1) Guns can only be fired by their owner.


A wristband is worn which uses a microchip to "unlock" the gun so it can be fired ONLY by the person wearing the wristband.

If you want your entire family to be able to fire the same gun then simply have each member wear a wristband synced to your gun.

In the event of a mass-shooting the gun could be remotely locked to prevent further loss of life.

2) Guns contain a GPS.

Isn't it a good idea that we know where our guns are at all times?

Combining solutions 1 and 2 we know WHO fired the gun and WHERE.

Not a problem for a law abiding citizen at a firing range or out hunting.

Only a problem for murderous thugs.

American citizens win!!

3) Guns are equipped with a small camera under the barrel that begins recording when the safety is off.

Now police have access to EXACTLY what the shooter was seeing when the gun was fired.

This should clear up any debates over self-defense cases.

These are three simple solutions that would make life easier for responsible gun owners and make life extremely difficult for people wanting to use guns to harm innocent citizens.

As with all advances in technology there would be a black market for guns that have been disabled of this Thug-Proof Technology.

Anyone caught with guns that have been altered would face severe penalties.

Now please, shoot holes in my plan. <----see what I did there?

If you cannot find fault with it then SHARE this idea and let's raise awareness so we can all PROTECT The Second Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America without the constant threat to American citizens by lawless thugs who give guns a bad name.

Thank you.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Parkour - The (no longer just) Human Art of Freerunning

Last night I dreamed that all animals (except humans) had suddenly evolved the concept of parkour.

As a result, governments, the world over decided that animals were evolving, thinking beings and therefore were no long allowed to be eaten or held in captivity.

The results were alarming and astounding.

The entire world changed.

The world was a lot less safe for humans.

Standing at the bus stop, a horse comes clip-clopping along at full-speed and runs sideways off a telephone pole, never breaking stride.

Everyone is stunned.

As I walk down my street, lions, one-up one another off parked cars, making them almost useless to their owners.

It's beautiful, but it kinda freaks me out.

Also, I really liked that car.

Nearby, a giraffe does a running flip over a fence and nearly crushes a group of construction workers.

They are speechless.

The people are scared and productivity slows.

Politicians scurry to pass laws protecting humans from these new ultra-aggressive athletes and as the animals had no care or concept of law, the legislation passes through unabated.

And soon I am seeing animals getting arrested and forced to go to the zoo, having no understanding of the machine that they are caught up in

I can't help but think that the humans are the problem.

And I am not alone..

Tens of thousands march..

We scream and cry and make up chants and make signs

We demand JUSTICE!!

You cannot lock up our citizens just for being THEMSELVES!!

You can not put them in a place called THE ZOO!!!

So politicians change the name to something that sounds more pleasant...

Animal Recreation Centers or ARCs...yeah that seems like a good place for animals.

And they hide the facilities so we don't have to feel bad or think about it.

"Did you hear about what happened to Bingo?"

"He's doing 2-5 out on the ARC for knocking some lady's Starbucks out of her hand."

"Some time on the ARC will do him good. Calm his ass down."

There are fat men on the radio and skinny men on TV...

Saying that animals are a nuisance and we should all start eating them again.

And the whole eating thing is embarrassing to some of us.

We wish THAT never happened and we have a lot of human-guilt about it.

We wear a lot of shirts bragging about our veganism...

And hope the animals evolve the ability to read at some point..

And some of us still drive to the industrial part of town to see the animal victims of justice.

But it is not like going to The Zoo.

Things have changed...

Things have evolved..

No longer do we go to watch them.

Because now we have realized that it's not polite to stare and point.

We go only to VISIT them...

To listen to them..

To tell them that our hearts are in there with them

We are much to humbled to stare, point or take pictures

We just look in their eyes and smile

And talk to them about human parkour athletes that we saw on the tele...

And ask them how they are feeling...

And wait for them to do some of those sweet parkour moves.