Parkour - The (no longer just) Human Art of Freerunning

Last night I dreamed that all animals (except humans) had suddenly evolved the concept of parkour.

As a result, governments, the world over decided that animals were evolving, thinking beings and therefore were no long allowed to be eaten or held in captivity.

The results were alarming and astounding.

The entire world changed.

The world was a lot less safe for humans.

Standing at the bus stop, a horse comes clip-clopping along at full-speed and runs sideways off a telephone pole, never breaking stride.

Everyone is stunned.

As I walk down my street, lions, one-up one another off parked cars, making them almost useless to their owners.

It's beautiful, but it kinda freaks me out.

Also, I really liked that car.

Nearby, a giraffe does a running flip over a fence and nearly crushes a group of construction workers.

They are speechless.

The people are scared and productivity slows.

Politicians scurry to pass laws protecting humans from these new ultra-aggressive athletes and as the animals had no care or concept of law, the legislation passes through unabated.

And soon I am seeing animals getting arrested and forced to go to the zoo, having no understanding of the machine that they are caught up in

I can't help but think that the humans are the problem.

And I am not alone..

Tens of thousands march..

We scream and cry and make up chants and make signs

We demand JUSTICE!!

You cannot lock up our citizens just for being THEMSELVES!!

You can not put them in a place called THE ZOO!!!

So politicians change the name to something that sounds more pleasant...

Animal Recreation Centers or ARCs...yeah that seems like a good place for animals.

And they hide the facilities so we don't have to feel bad or think about it.

"Did you hear about what happened to Bingo?"

"He's doing 2-5 out on the ARC for knocking some lady's Starbucks out of her hand."

"Some time on the ARC will do him good. Calm his ass down."

There are fat men on the radio and skinny men on TV...

Saying that animals are a nuisance and we should all start eating them again.

And the whole eating thing is embarrassing to some of us.

We wish THAT never happened and we have a lot of human-guilt about it.

We wear a lot of shirts bragging about our veganism...

And hope the animals evolve the ability to read at some point..

And some of us still drive to the industrial part of town to see the animal victims of justice.

But it is not like going to The Zoo.

Things have changed...

Things have evolved..

No longer do we go to watch them.

Because now we have realized that it's not polite to stare and point.

We go only to VISIT them...

To listen to them..

To tell them that our hearts are in there with them

We are much to humbled to stare, point or take pictures

We just look in their eyes and smile

And talk to them about human parkour athletes that we saw on the tele...

And ask them how they are feeling...

And wait for them to do some of those sweet parkour moves.

Cool Spy-Like Maneuvers

When I see an armored car doing a drop off...

I always watch them very closely..

Looking for errors.

Errors that would allow me to rob them successfully.

And without confrontation.

My brain constructs elaborate plans.

Getaways involving multiple cars and well-timed maneuvers.

No Fast and Furious style drifting here.

No guns. No violence.

Just simple blending in...and cool spy-like moves.

My favorite part is where I rip off my mustache, wrap it up in my hoodie and toss the incriminating items into a dumpster in an alley behind a coffee shop (5 minutes before pickup)...

Where I walk in, smile, order my usual and sit down to update my Facebook status about something mundane and silly, while waiting for the local news to come on so I can hear about the armored car robbery...

Where they show security camera footage of a mustachioed man in a hat and sunglasses, calmly walking by and taking the loot...

And a few seconds later a befuddled armored car driver looking around cluelessly for the bag.

I smile wide at the police sketch artist as I think "That guy looks nothing like me." but then my eyes grow wide as I say "Am I really THAT fat?"

The lady on the TV says that the driver has been suspended.

To make this right I put a bunch of bills in a bag and mail it to him anonymously...

Along with a note that says "I won't tell if you won't."

I'd never actually do it.

But in my head I am really damn good at it.

Mothers and Daughters

Do moms sit their little girls down and say...

"Now sweetie, when you grow up, I want you to date the most heinous, evil, piece of shit asshole men you can find...

I want you to repeat this pattern over and over and over again...

Until you are about 35.. and then once your self-esteem has been completely destroyed and you no longer feel like you are deserving of love...

And your tits start to go south...and wrinkles start to form...

And you, having bought into society's lie, that your physical beauty is your true value..

And you truly hate yourself and the choices you have made...

And the asshole men who you gave your youth to..

Are still fucking women half their age and your bitter heart wants to castrate them for it..

After all this happens, sweetie...

I want you to completely change up your approach and find a really, stable, nice, boring fucking guy who will take all your shit and never leave you...

And I want you to marry that man.

Even if you don't really like him that much.

Because at this point, you will believe that is all you are worth."

Is this a conversation that mom's have with their daughters

Or do women just do that shit on their own?