The One Percent Ghost

One day there will be a superhero vigilante who will target the wealthy elite.

There will be a story on the news.

A billionaire found dead in his home with a note attached saying "...with liberty and justice for all..."

A few weeks later a second body found.

Another billionaire.

This one says "We hold these truths to be self-evident."

When a week later "Life", "Liberty" and "The pursuit of happiness" are found, three different bodies, two senators and a lobbyist for the NRA, it is clear that there is a pattern emerging.

Soon the powerful are riding in armored cars, escorted by small armies of mercenaries.

Some take a proactive approach and start foundations and hold press conferences where they say things like

"The time is long overdue that the people who are blessed with wealth give back to the community."

And somewhere in a dark room, the murderer takes their names off his list.

The media dubs him The Robin Hood Killer (a moniker he hates) and soon he is a celebrity.

People sell T-shirts on street corners of a hooded figure chasing down a man in a business suit who is holding bags with dollar signs on them in each hand.

The killer strikes again and again with military like precision.

People speculate that he must have special ops training.

The irony that our very own military industrial complex created the machine that would kill it's own creator does not escape the media and they start asking the questions they should have been asking all along about America's foreign policy.

After victims 14 and 15 are brought down by consecutive sniper bullets, most of the remaining 1% move overseas to their island homes and after victim 19, a tea party congressman, is strangled in his own home, both the house and senate are moved to a secret location.

Man on the street interviews show people saying things like "This is ridiculous. That man had a wife and family." but more people are in support, saying things like "These people have been keeping us down, stealing our money and lying to us long enough. It's time they experience fear the way we live with everyday."

But the killer slips up.

The police have a man in custody.

And the FBI was right.

He is a former navy seal, who has stage 4 cancer and less than two years to live.

Further research shows that he lost his daughter to a rare blood disease that he believes could have been treated if only they could have afforded better medical care.

Across the country a catch phrase begins circulating.

A show of solidarity that is plastered on t-shirts and bumper stickers everywhere.

Three simple words.

"I'm Robin Hood."

In prison, the killer is a hero to people who have no understanding of what it is he was trying to accomplish.

"You shouldda killed my landlord." one man says.

"You did what I WISH I had done." another inmate says "I used to fantasize about killin my boss, daily."

He doesn't bother to explain his mission.

He wonders if it was all a mistake.

And then...

The murders start up again.

All over the country bodies are turning up with notes tagged to them.

Horrible parodies that show that the copy-cats have no clue of what this was supposed to be about.

Good people are killed, simply for being perceived as being wealthy or having a little bit of power.

Notes are tagged to the bodies that say simply "I'm Robin Hood."

In Vegas a man is killed walking out of a casino simply because he had good fortune on the slot machines.

In Nebraska, a man who was previously dirt poor is assassinated because he won the powerball.

He never even received the first check.

He was found dead in his trailer with a note that said "For the people, by the people."

This vigilantism goes on for months, while the real killer's health deteriorates to nothing.

Once the media referred to him as a ghost, but now he looks more like a skeleton.

He is put into a prison hospital for his final days when the unthinkable happens.

A senator from Minnesota, by all accounts a good woman, is shot and killed while walking out of her home.

The assailant throws up his hands immediately after pulling the trigger and can be seen over several cell phone recordings rebroadcast on the nightly news smiling and saying "I'm Robin Hood"

The television plays in the hospital room where the original killer is waiting to die.

As he drifts in and out of consciousness he wonders if any of what he is seeing on the news is real.

A few days later FBI agents visit the man and ask him to hold a press conference.

He agrees.

The press conference is the most widely viewed event in the history of American television.

It is held in a high-school auditorium and more than 500 members of the press attend.

He refuses help to get to the table and it takes him a long time.

The room is silent as he sits down and begins to read from a prepared statement.

Every eye in every home in America and millions overseas is trained on the skeletal man as he struggles to breathe and reads the message he was told to read.

Most of the message is true.

It is true that he wants the blood of the innocent to stop being spilled.

It is true that what was happening was not his original vision and that he is sorry that things have spun out of control.

But what is clear to him, what sickens him, what makes him feel like he is disrespecting the memory of his daughter, is that these words are designed to protect the people who wrote them.

He pauses for a long time and stares down at his hands.

Then he pushes the papers away and begins to speak slowly.

"Your captors and my captors are the same...and they tell us the same lies...they say work will make us free...they say if we are willing to work hard enough we can achieve our dreams...they tell us that we are each other's enemy...they use fear to control and manipulate us and to sell us things we don't need...they tell us we are inadequate...they tell us we are ugly..."

Government officials start telling the broadcasters to kill the feed, to cut to commercial.

Some do.

Most do not.

Some refuse because of the ratings and some refuse out of personal politics.

At home, viewers turn the channel until they find a feed of the speech that will begin a movement that will later be dubbed Compassionate Capitalism.

When the man is done speaking one of the reporters asks "So your message is to stop the killing?"

The man answers "What I said was to stop killing the innocent, but to have a true revolution then perhaps those who seek to manipulate us and control us must be sacrificed."

After another long pause the same reporter asks "So who do you think should be killed?"

Turning the papers over in front of him and holding them up for the cameras to see, he says slowly

"Well I have this list."

And with that 30,000 television stations cut to commercial.

FML But Text Me In The Morning

I've often thought depression was just the result of paying attention.

What do you do when you know you need help, but you know there is no help for what you have?

There is no time for this.

Things must be done.

All day..everyday.

Things must be done.

Money must be made and bills must be paid.

Or else we learn the meaning of REAL suffering.

Who has the time?

I do not even have the time to feel my own pain.

No one else has the time to truly understand the anguish of another.

The world spins so fast.

I can never keep up.

I hate alarm clocks and deadlines and taxes and political agendas.

I hate the news and sports and reality tv and I love/hate the fact that everyone loves this fucked up shit circus.

I have never belonged.

I am too weak...or am overly hostile.

I am happiness wrapped in sadness.

Anger solves nothing.

Tears solve nothing.

Apathy wears thin once again.

They call it mental illness, but it is not so simple.

They offer me their gods, but I cannot buy in.

It is that which torments me which lets me know I am alive.

It is that which keeps me up at night that exhausts me completely.

I envy simplicity.

Those readily entertained and easily amused.

I am a genetic mutation that will be phased out.

Whatever is keeping me alive is also killing me.

I am lost and I am scared.

And yet I am alright.

I've finally given up thinking that I was going to mature past this or figure it out.

This must be who I am.

For better or for worse.

Karl Marx Was Wrong

Karl Marx said that the poor oppressed workers would rise up and overthrow the wealthy elite and redistribute the wealth.

Karl Marx was wrong.

Right now 400 individuals in America have more wealth than the 150,000,000 poorest Americans.

Those 400 people put their money in offshore accounts so they cannot be taxed.

The blood of dying children is on the hands of the 1% who OWN our government and OUR media and spin lies and propaganda so that YOU will happily play along and give your hard earned money to them.

Karl Marx was wrong.

Karl Marx did not account for Wal Mart's LOW LOW PRICES, nor did he realize that people who call themselves activists would secretly shop there due to convenience.

Marx did not account for a government so powerful that it would spread over the entire world and murder any leader who opposed it and replace them with a figurehead who worked for the United States and that the shadow government would slaughter it's own citizens by the MILLIONS in order to get fat kickbacks from THE UNITED STATES.

Marx did not account for how everyone in America would be taking selfies on smart phones and watching reality TV and playing video games and driving SUVs and drinking beer and being so distracted that they wouldn't even have time to participate in their local government, let alone START A REVOLUTION!!

Marx did not realize that anyone's voice who became loud enough would be murdered by it's own government or have stories about them spun in the press to make other American's hate them as they were carted off to jail or Guantanamo Bay simply for SPEAKING THE TRUTH.

Marx had no way of understanding the power of the NRA to literally OWN OUR GOVERNMENT AND MEDIA and use lies and fear tactics to make sure there were more gun suppliers than there were fast food restaurants.

Karl Marx was wrong.

Because no one in the world would rather face the persecution of it's own government, when there are pictures of kittens and half-naked women to look at.

Karl Marx overestimated the power of the people and underestimated the power of greed and evil.

When God Closes a Door HE IS COMPLETELY FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!!

"When god closes a door he opens a window"?

There are soooooooooooooooo many things wrong with this sentence.

First off, who wants to climb out a window?

What if you are fat?

What if you are handicapped?

Then what?

I mean seriously, you are GOD!!

Can't you close a door and create ANOTHER FUCKING DOOR!!!

Here's the other thing.

Did you check the door?

Maybe it's just closed.

Not even locked.

What kind of jackass climbs out a window before even checking the door?

I'll tell you what kind.

The kind that says stupid shit like "When god closes a door HE opens a window."

And another thing, I'm sick of this HE shit.

If god existed it would be ALL powerful and would be above human form, but if it DID have a human form it would have ALL sex organs or possibly NONE.

The fact that people still say HE is just ridiculous subversive sexism and it permeates the entire culture and sends the message that women are inferior.

If HE closes a door and opens a window then HE is clearly a dick for doing such shit (if indeed the door is actually locked).

Perhaps god just wants a little privacy.

Perhaps god closed the door because YOU are fucking annoying and THEY are sick of listening to you grovel about all the shit in your life that YOU fucked up.

Perhaps god closed the door because you are a dick and THEY are sick of your shit.

Perhaps god opened the window so you would JUMP THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

Maybe god IS real and SHE wants you to examine your platitudes.

And don't even get me started on "If god gives you lemons..."

I fucking LIKE lemons and feel THIS statement is insulting on a completely different level.

Single On Valentine's Day (a rant for single people)

A friend of mine recently attempted to insult this misogynist asshole I know.

Forgetting I was single, she said "And that's why he isn't married."

As if...

As if being married...or in a relationship is somehow inherently superior to being single.

Single seems natural to me.

I was BORN single.

I am HAPPY single.

I would consider having a girlfriend, but she would have to be AMAZING!!

Because my life is in fact AMAZING already and everything that comes into it must be to this standard.

My band is amazing.

My friends are amazing.

My kids are A-FUCKING-MAZING!!

I have the car I want...the guitars I want...I even have the fucking TV I want.

I live in America where I have such mind-bending decisions as to WHICH pizza will I order tonight? Or should I watch The Office again? start Breaking Bad over? or watch a movie?

There are WAY MORE GOOD THINGS TO DO THAN THERE ARE HOURS IN THE DAY.

So why accept an average person for a mate?

I am NOT down on monogamy.

Some of the best times in my life were had with a "special someone", but the idea that just being in a relationship is a good thing is asinine.

Most couples are miserable.

They are two people caught in an endless loop of unresolved childhood issues, projected and played out on each other and it is just sad.

When I DO meet a girl it usually plays out like this:

"Oh she's pretty." then I talk to her.

And I find out...

She lacks intelligence...or lacks ambition...or says something stupid like "Who has time to read?" or "I don't like Sonic Youth." or "Who's Wes Anderson?"

Or I meet someone who is totally amazing, but the attraction isn't there for one or both of us.

Which is awesome, because then I have an amazing new friend.

I LIKE single people.

I like people who have inner-strength and who aren't looking for someone else to complete their lives.

People say to me often "You have such high standards."

And that's the key isn't it?

Lowering our standards.

That's what people do, right?

People are so lonely that they lower their standards and end up in a relationship with some asshole.

One day at a time they SETTLE for a person who isn't what they dreamed of and they make excuses for them.

And this allows them to make excuses for themselves.

And they make excuses for their shit job.

They call it acceptance... so it doesn't sound so bad.

And then they tell us single people that our "standards are to high"

Perhaps our standards for what we require in a mate SHOULD be high.

And our standards for what we will accept from ourselves should definitely be high.

Perhaps being single is to be admired.

Perhaps self-sufficiency should be saluted over codependency.

Perhaps Cupid needs glasses.

Or a decent therapist.

Or maybe he should just switch to tranquilizing darts.

Instead of those real ones that often seem so misguided.

A MODERN PRACTICAL SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM OF GUN VIOLENCE

Through the use of simple, already existing technology we can all but wipe out the problem of gun violence in our great country.

With just a few simple laws passed all guns can be equipped with this amazing new technology and older guns can be retro-fitted.

This is nano-technology and can fit easily into the handle of ANY gun.

These proposals simultaneously protect YOUR safety and YOUR Second Amendment Rights.

Here are the proposals.

1) Guns can only be fired by their owner.

How?

A wristband is worn which uses a microchip to "unlock" the gun so it can be fired ONLY by the person wearing the wristband.

If you want your entire family to be able to fire the same gun then simply have each member wear a wristband synced to your gun.

In the event of a mass-shooting the gun could be remotely locked to prevent further loss of life.

2) Guns contain a GPS.

Isn't it a good idea that we know where our guns are at all times?

Combining solutions 1 and 2 we know WHO fired the gun and WHERE.

Not a problem for a law abiding citizen at a firing range or out hunting.

Only a problem for murderous thugs.

American citizens win!!

3) Guns are equipped with a small camera under the barrel that begins recording when the safety is off.

Now police have access to EXACTLY what the shooter was seeing when the gun was fired.

This should clear up any debates over self-defense cases.

These are three simple solutions that would make life easier for responsible gun owners and make life extremely difficult for people wanting to use guns to harm innocent citizens.

As with all advances in technology there would be a black market for guns that have been disabled of this Thug-Proof Technology.

Anyone caught with guns that have been altered would face severe penalties.

Now please, shoot holes in my plan. <----see what I did there?

If you cannot find fault with it then SHARE this idea and let's raise awareness so we can all PROTECT The Second Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America without the constant threat to American citizens by lawless thugs who give guns a bad name.

Thank you.

Parkour - The (no longer just) Human Art of Freerunning

Last night I dreamed that all animals (except humans) had suddenly evolved the concept of parkour.

As a result, governments, the world over decided that animals were evolving, thinking beings and therefore were no long allowed to be eaten or held in captivity.

The results were alarming and astounding.

The entire world changed.

The world was a lot less safe for humans.

Standing at the bus stop, a horse comes clip-clopping along at full-speed and runs sideways off a telephone pole, never breaking stride.

Everyone is stunned.

As I walk down my street, lions, one-up one another off parked cars, making them almost useless to their owners.

It's beautiful, but it kinda freaks me out.

Also, I really liked that car.

Nearby, a giraffe does a running flip over a fence and nearly crushes a group of construction workers.

They are speechless.

The people are scared and productivity slows.

Politicians scurry to pass laws protecting humans from these new ultra-aggressive athletes and as the animals had no care or concept of law, the legislation passes through unabated.

And soon I am seeing animals getting arrested and forced to go to the zoo, having no understanding of the machine that they are caught up in

I can't help but think that the humans are the problem.

And I am not alone..

Tens of thousands march..

We scream and cry and make up chants and make signs

We demand JUSTICE!!

You cannot lock up our citizens just for being THEMSELVES!!

You can not put them in a place called THE ZOO!!!

So politicians change the name to something that sounds more pleasant...

Animal Recreation Centers or ARCs...yeah that seems like a good place for animals.

And they hide the facilities so we don't have to feel bad or think about it.

"Did you hear about what happened to Bingo?"

"He's doing 2-5 out on the ARC for knocking some lady's Starbucks out of her hand."

"Some time on the ARC will do him good. Calm his ass down."

There are fat men on the radio and skinny men on TV...

Saying that animals are a nuisance and we should all start eating them again.

And the whole eating thing is embarrassing to some of us.

We wish THAT never happened and we have a lot of human-guilt about it.

We wear a lot of shirts bragging about our veganism...

And hope the animals evolve the ability to read at some point..

And some of us still drive to the industrial part of town to see the animal victims of justice.

But it is not like going to The Zoo.

Things have changed...

Things have evolved..

No longer do we go to watch them.

Because now we have realized that it's not polite to stare and point.

We go only to VISIT them...

To listen to them..

To tell them that our hearts are in there with them

We are much to humbled to stare, point or take pictures

We just look in their eyes and smile

And talk to them about human parkour athletes that we saw on the tele...

And ask them how they are feeling...

And wait for them to do some of those sweet parkour moves.