Wednesday, February 26, 2014
When God Closes a Door HE IS COMPLETELY FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!!
"When god closes a door he opens a window"?
There are soooooooooooooooo many things wrong with this sentence.
First off, who wants to climb out a window?
What if you are fat?
What if you are handicapped?
Then what?
I mean seriously, you are GOD!!
Can't you close a door and create ANOTHER FUCKING DOOR!!!
Here's the other thing.
Did you check the door?
Maybe it's just closed.
Not even locked.
What kind of jackass climbs out a window before even checking the door?
I'll tell you what kind.
The kind that says stupid shit like "When god closes a door HE opens a window."
And another thing, I'm sick of this HE shit.
If god existed it would be ALL powerful and would be above human form, but if it DID have a human form it would have ALL sex organs or possibly NONE.
The fact that people still say HE is just ridiculous subversive sexism and it permeates the entire culture and sends the message that women are inferior.
If HE closes a door and opens a window then HE is clearly a dick for doing such shit (if indeed the door is actually locked).
Perhaps god just wants a little privacy.
Perhaps god closed the door because YOU are fucking annoying and THEY are sick of listening to you grovel about all the shit in your life that YOU fucked up.
Perhaps god closed the door because you are a dick and THEY are sick of your shit.
Perhaps god opened the window so you would JUMP THE FUCK OUT OF IT.
Maybe god IS real and SHE wants you to examine your platitudes.
And don't even get me started on "If god gives you lemons..."
I fucking LIKE lemons and feel THIS statement is insulting on a completely different level.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Single On Valentine's Day (a rant for single people)
A friend of mine recently attempted to insult this misogynist asshole I know.
Forgetting I was single, she said "And that's why he isn't married."
As if...
As if being married...or in a relationship is somehow inherently superior to being single.
Single seems natural to me.
I was BORN single.
I am HAPPY single.
I would consider having a girlfriend, but she would have to be AMAZING!!
Because my life is in fact AMAZING already and everything that comes into it must be to this standard.
My band is amazing.
My friends are amazing.
My kids are A-FUCKING-MAZING!!
I have the car I want...the guitars I want...I even have the fucking TV I want.
I live in America where I have such mind-bending decisions as to WHICH pizza will I order tonight? Or should I watch The Office again? start Breaking Bad over? or watch a movie?
There are WAY MORE GOOD THINGS TO DO THAN THERE ARE HOURS IN THE DAY.
So why accept an average person for a mate?
I am NOT down on monogamy.
Some of the best times in my life were had with a "special someone", but the idea that just being in a relationship is a good thing is asinine.
Most couples are miserable.
They are two people caught in an endless loop of unresolved childhood issues, projected and played out on each other and it is just sad.
When I DO meet a girl it usually plays out like this:
"Oh she's pretty." then I talk to her.
And I find out...
She lacks intelligence...or lacks ambition...or says something stupid like "Who has time to read?" or "I don't like Sonic Youth." or "Who's Wes Anderson?"
Or I meet someone who is totally amazing, but the attraction isn't there for one or both of us.
Which is awesome, because then I have an amazing new friend.
I LIKE single people.
I like people who have inner-strength and who aren't looking for someone else to complete their lives.
People say to me often "You have such high standards."
And that's the key isn't it?
Lowering our standards.
That's what people do, right?
People are so lonely that they lower their standards and end up in a relationship with some asshole.
One day at a time they SETTLE for a person who isn't what they dreamed of and they make excuses for them.
And this allows them to make excuses for themselves.
And they make excuses for their shit job.
They call it acceptance... so it doesn't sound so bad.
And then they tell us single people that our "standards are to high"
Perhaps our standards for what we require in a mate SHOULD be high.
And our standards for what we will accept from ourselves should definitely be high.
Perhaps being single is to be admired.
Perhaps self-sufficiency should be saluted over codependency.
Perhaps Cupid needs glasses.
Or a decent therapist.
Or maybe he should just switch to tranquilizing darts.
Instead of those real ones that often seem so misguided.
Forgetting I was single, she said "And that's why he isn't married."
As if...
As if being married...or in a relationship is somehow inherently superior to being single.
Single seems natural to me.
I was BORN single.
I am HAPPY single.
I would consider having a girlfriend, but she would have to be AMAZING!!
Because my life is in fact AMAZING already and everything that comes into it must be to this standard.
My band is amazing.
My friends are amazing.
My kids are A-FUCKING-MAZING!!
I have the car I want...the guitars I want...I even have the fucking TV I want.
I live in America where I have such mind-bending decisions as to WHICH pizza will I order tonight? Or should I watch The Office again? start Breaking Bad over? or watch a movie?
There are WAY MORE GOOD THINGS TO DO THAN THERE ARE HOURS IN THE DAY.
So why accept an average person for a mate?
I am NOT down on monogamy.
Some of the best times in my life were had with a "special someone", but the idea that just being in a relationship is a good thing is asinine.
Most couples are miserable.
They are two people caught in an endless loop of unresolved childhood issues, projected and played out on each other and it is just sad.
When I DO meet a girl it usually plays out like this:
"Oh she's pretty." then I talk to her.
And I find out...
She lacks intelligence...or lacks ambition...or says something stupid like "Who has time to read?" or "I don't like Sonic Youth." or "Who's Wes Anderson?"
Or I meet someone who is totally amazing, but the attraction isn't there for one or both of us.
Which is awesome, because then I have an amazing new friend.
I LIKE single people.
I like people who have inner-strength and who aren't looking for someone else to complete their lives.
People say to me often "You have such high standards."
And that's the key isn't it?
Lowering our standards.
That's what people do, right?
People are so lonely that they lower their standards and end up in a relationship with some asshole.
One day at a time they SETTLE for a person who isn't what they dreamed of and they make excuses for them.
And this allows them to make excuses for themselves.
And they make excuses for their shit job.
They call it acceptance... so it doesn't sound so bad.
And then they tell us single people that our "standards are to high"
Perhaps our standards for what we require in a mate SHOULD be high.
And our standards for what we will accept from ourselves should definitely be high.
Perhaps being single is to be admired.
Perhaps self-sufficiency should be saluted over codependency.
Perhaps Cupid needs glasses.
Or a decent therapist.
Or maybe he should just switch to tranquilizing darts.
Instead of those real ones that often seem so misguided.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
A MODERN PRACTICAL SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM OF GUN VIOLENCE
Through the use of simple, already existing technology we can all but wipe out the problem of gun violence in our great country.
With just a few simple laws passed all guns can be equipped with this amazing new technology and older guns can be retro-fitted.
This is nano-technology and can fit easily into the handle of ANY gun.
These proposals simultaneously protect YOUR safety and YOUR Second Amendment Rights.
Here are the proposals.
1) Guns can only be fired by their owner.
How?
A wristband is worn which uses a microchip to "unlock" the gun so it can be fired ONLY by the person wearing the wristband.
If you want your entire family to be able to fire the same gun then simply have each member wear a wristband synced to your gun.
In the event of a mass-shooting the gun could be remotely locked to prevent further loss of life.
2) Guns contain a GPS.
Isn't it a good idea that we know where our guns are at all times?
Combining solutions 1 and 2 we know WHO fired the gun and WHERE.
Not a problem for a law abiding citizen at a firing range or out hunting.
Only a problem for murderous thugs.
American citizens win!!
3) Guns are equipped with a small camera under the barrel that begins recording when the safety is off.
Now police have access to EXACTLY what the shooter was seeing when the gun was fired.
This should clear up any debates over self-defense cases.
These are three simple solutions that would make life easier for responsible gun owners and make life extremely difficult for people wanting to use guns to harm innocent citizens.
As with all advances in technology there would be a black market for guns that have been disabled of this Thug-Proof Technology.
Anyone caught with guns that have been altered would face severe penalties.
Now please, shoot holes in my plan. <----see what I did there?
If you cannot find fault with it then SHARE this idea and let's raise awareness so we can all PROTECT The Second Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America without the constant threat to American citizens by lawless thugs who give guns a bad name.
Thank you.
With just a few simple laws passed all guns can be equipped with this amazing new technology and older guns can be retro-fitted.
This is nano-technology and can fit easily into the handle of ANY gun.
These proposals simultaneously protect YOUR safety and YOUR Second Amendment Rights.
Here are the proposals.
1) Guns can only be fired by their owner.
How?
A wristband is worn which uses a microchip to "unlock" the gun so it can be fired ONLY by the person wearing the wristband.
If you want your entire family to be able to fire the same gun then simply have each member wear a wristband synced to your gun.
In the event of a mass-shooting the gun could be remotely locked to prevent further loss of life.
2) Guns contain a GPS.
Isn't it a good idea that we know where our guns are at all times?
Combining solutions 1 and 2 we know WHO fired the gun and WHERE.
Not a problem for a law abiding citizen at a firing range or out hunting.
Only a problem for murderous thugs.
American citizens win!!
3) Guns are equipped with a small camera under the barrel that begins recording when the safety is off.
Now police have access to EXACTLY what the shooter was seeing when the gun was fired.
This should clear up any debates over self-defense cases.
These are three simple solutions that would make life easier for responsible gun owners and make life extremely difficult for people wanting to use guns to harm innocent citizens.
As with all advances in technology there would be a black market for guns that have been disabled of this Thug-Proof Technology.
Anyone caught with guns that have been altered would face severe penalties.
Now please, shoot holes in my plan. <----see what I did there?
If you cannot find fault with it then SHARE this idea and let's raise awareness so we can all PROTECT The Second Amendment to the Constitution of The United States of America without the constant threat to American citizens by lawless thugs who give guns a bad name.
Thank you.
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Parkour - The (no longer just) Human Art of Freerunning
Last night I dreamed that all animals (except humans) had suddenly evolved the concept of parkour.
As a result, governments, the world over decided that animals were evolving, thinking beings and therefore were no long allowed to be eaten or held in captivity.
The results were alarming and astounding.
The entire world changed.
The world was a lot less safe for humans.
Standing at the bus stop, a horse comes clip-clopping along at full-speed and runs sideways off a telephone pole, never breaking stride.
Everyone is stunned.
As I walk down my street, lions, one-up one another off parked cars, making them almost useless to their owners.
It's beautiful, but it kinda freaks me out.
Also, I really liked that car.
Nearby, a giraffe does a running flip over a fence and nearly crushes a group of construction workers.
They are speechless.
The people are scared and productivity slows.
Politicians scurry to pass laws protecting humans from these new ultra-aggressive athletes and as the animals had no care or concept of law, the legislation passes through unabated.
And soon I am seeing animals getting arrested and forced to go to the zoo, having no understanding of the machine that they are caught up in
I can't help but think that the humans are the problem.
And I am not alone..
Tens of thousands march..
We scream and cry and make up chants and make signs
We demand JUSTICE!!
You cannot lock up our citizens just for being THEMSELVES!!
You can not put them in a place called THE ZOO!!!
So politicians change the name to something that sounds more pleasant...
Animal Recreation Centers or ARCs...yeah that seems like a good place for animals.
And they hide the facilities so we don't have to feel bad or think about it.
"Did you hear about what happened to Bingo?"
"He's doing 2-5 out on the ARC for knocking some lady's Starbucks out of her hand."
"Some time on the ARC will do him good. Calm his ass down."
There are fat men on the radio and skinny men on TV...
Saying that animals are a nuisance and we should all start eating them again.
And the whole eating thing is embarrassing to some of us.
We wish THAT never happened and we have a lot of human-guilt about it.
We wear a lot of shirts bragging about our veganism...
And hope the animals evolve the ability to read at some point..
And some of us still drive to the industrial part of town to see the animal victims of justice.
But it is not like going to The Zoo.
Things have changed...
Things have evolved..
No longer do we go to watch them.
Because now we have realized that it's not polite to stare and point.
We go only to VISIT them...
To listen to them..
To tell them that our hearts are in there with them
We are much to humbled to stare, point or take pictures
We just look in their eyes and smile
And talk to them about human parkour athletes that we saw on the tele...
And ask them how they are feeling...
And wait for them to do some of those sweet parkour moves.
As a result, governments, the world over decided that animals were evolving, thinking beings and therefore were no long allowed to be eaten or held in captivity.
The results were alarming and astounding.
The entire world changed.
The world was a lot less safe for humans.
Standing at the bus stop, a horse comes clip-clopping along at full-speed and runs sideways off a telephone pole, never breaking stride.
Everyone is stunned.
As I walk down my street, lions, one-up one another off parked cars, making them almost useless to their owners.
It's beautiful, but it kinda freaks me out.
Also, I really liked that car.
Nearby, a giraffe does a running flip over a fence and nearly crushes a group of construction workers.
They are speechless.
The people are scared and productivity slows.
Politicians scurry to pass laws protecting humans from these new ultra-aggressive athletes and as the animals had no care or concept of law, the legislation passes through unabated.
And soon I am seeing animals getting arrested and forced to go to the zoo, having no understanding of the machine that they are caught up in
I can't help but think that the humans are the problem.
And I am not alone..
Tens of thousands march..
We scream and cry and make up chants and make signs
We demand JUSTICE!!
You cannot lock up our citizens just for being THEMSELVES!!
You can not put them in a place called THE ZOO!!!
So politicians change the name to something that sounds more pleasant...
Animal Recreation Centers or ARCs...yeah that seems like a good place for animals.
And they hide the facilities so we don't have to feel bad or think about it.
"Did you hear about what happened to Bingo?"
"He's doing 2-5 out on the ARC for knocking some lady's Starbucks out of her hand."
"Some time on the ARC will do him good. Calm his ass down."
There are fat men on the radio and skinny men on TV...
Saying that animals are a nuisance and we should all start eating them again.
And the whole eating thing is embarrassing to some of us.
We wish THAT never happened and we have a lot of human-guilt about it.
We wear a lot of shirts bragging about our veganism...
And hope the animals evolve the ability to read at some point..
And some of us still drive to the industrial part of town to see the animal victims of justice.
But it is not like going to The Zoo.
Things have changed...
Things have evolved..
No longer do we go to watch them.
Because now we have realized that it's not polite to stare and point.
We go only to VISIT them...
To listen to them..
To tell them that our hearts are in there with them
We are much to humbled to stare, point or take pictures
We just look in their eyes and smile
And talk to them about human parkour athletes that we saw on the tele...
And ask them how they are feeling...
And wait for them to do some of those sweet parkour moves.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Cool Spy-Like Maneuvers
When I see an armored car doing a drop off...
I always watch them very closely..
Looking for errors.
Errors that would allow me to rob them successfully.
And without confrontation.
My brain constructs elaborate plans.
Getaways involving multiple cars and well-timed maneuvers.
No Fast and Furious style drifting here.
No guns. No violence.
Just simple blending in...and cool spy-like moves.
My favorite part is where I rip off my mustache, wrap it up in my hoodie and toss the incriminating items into a dumpster in an alley behind a coffee shop (5 minutes before pickup)...
Where I walk in, smile, order my usual and sit down to update my Facebook status about something mundane and silly, while waiting for the local news to come on so I can hear about the armored car robbery...
Where they show security camera footage of a mustachioed man in a hat and sunglasses, calmly walking by and taking the loot...
And a few seconds later a befuddled armored car driver looking around cluelessly for the bag.
I smile wide at the police sketch artist as I think "That guy looks nothing like me." but then my eyes grow wide as I say "Am I really THAT fat?"
The lady on the TV says that the driver has been suspended.
To make this right I put a bunch of bills in a bag and mail it to him anonymously...
Along with a note that says "I won't tell if you won't."
I'd never actually do it.
But in my head I am really damn good at it.
I always watch them very closely..
Looking for errors.
Errors that would allow me to rob them successfully.
And without confrontation.
My brain constructs elaborate plans.
Getaways involving multiple cars and well-timed maneuvers.
No Fast and Furious style drifting here.
No guns. No violence.
Just simple blending in...and cool spy-like moves.
My favorite part is where I rip off my mustache, wrap it up in my hoodie and toss the incriminating items into a dumpster in an alley behind a coffee shop (5 minutes before pickup)...
Where I walk in, smile, order my usual and sit down to update my Facebook status about something mundane and silly, while waiting for the local news to come on so I can hear about the armored car robbery...
Where they show security camera footage of a mustachioed man in a hat and sunglasses, calmly walking by and taking the loot...
And a few seconds later a befuddled armored car driver looking around cluelessly for the bag.
I smile wide at the police sketch artist as I think "That guy looks nothing like me." but then my eyes grow wide as I say "Am I really THAT fat?"
The lady on the TV says that the driver has been suspended.
To make this right I put a bunch of bills in a bag and mail it to him anonymously...
Along with a note that says "I won't tell if you won't."
I'd never actually do it.
But in my head I am really damn good at it.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Mothers and Daughters
Do moms sit their little girls down and say...
"Now sweetie, when you grow up, I want you to date the most heinous, evil, piece of shit asshole men you can find...
I want you to repeat this pattern over and over and over again...
Until you are about 35.. and then once your self-esteem has been completely destroyed and you no longer feel like you are deserving of love...
And your tits start to go south...and wrinkles start to form...
And you, having bought into society's lie, that your physical beauty is your true value..
And you truly hate yourself and the choices you have made...
And the asshole men who you gave your youth to..
Are still fucking women half their age and your bitter heart wants to castrate them for it..
After all this happens, sweetie...
I want you to completely change up your approach and find a really, stable, nice, boring fucking guy who will take all your shit and never leave you...
And I want you to marry that man.
Even if you don't really like him that much.
Because at this point, you will believe that is all you are worth."
Is this a conversation that mom's have with their daughters
Or do women just do that shit on their own?
"Now sweetie, when you grow up, I want you to date the most heinous, evil, piece of shit asshole men you can find...
I want you to repeat this pattern over and over and over again...
Until you are about 35.. and then once your self-esteem has been completely destroyed and you no longer feel like you are deserving of love...
And your tits start to go south...and wrinkles start to form...
And you, having bought into society's lie, that your physical beauty is your true value..
And you truly hate yourself and the choices you have made...
And the asshole men who you gave your youth to..
Are still fucking women half their age and your bitter heart wants to castrate them for it..
After all this happens, sweetie...
I want you to completely change up your approach and find a really, stable, nice, boring fucking guy who will take all your shit and never leave you...
And I want you to marry that man.
Even if you don't really like him that much.
Because at this point, you will believe that is all you are worth."
Is this a conversation that mom's have with their daughters
Or do women just do that shit on their own?
Monday, January 6, 2014
2:00 AM or The Time I Got Stuck In the Snow In The Hood and a Bunch of Black Dudes Surrounded My Vehicle
Returning home after 1 am this morning...from visiting friends and exchanging late Christmas gifts...nearly home...feeling cocky...explaining to my kids, Clark Griswald style, that it's all about driving..."People don't know how to drive in this shit...if you keep cool and keep moving, momentum will carry you through."
God, sick of listening to me, stops my vehicle cold.
We are stuck.
Right in the middle of the road.
Just a few blocks from our home.
Spin...spin...forward...reverse...forward...reverse...the smell of burning rubber.
The gas gauge is on E...I cannot do this rocking back and forth thing for much longer or I will be stuck in the snow and out of gas as well.
A bunch of black guys start walking towards our van.
Now when people tell a story and they say "black guy" or "Asian lady" I always stop them and say "Is this person's skin tone essential to the telling of your story?"
In this case it is, because it may be self-implicating.
I wonder if I was more afraid due to the fact that these young men were black.
I analyze it against, imagining a group of white guys coming up on my van like that and I think I would have been just as scared considering the time and place.
But I wonder...
As I exited the vehicle I could hear my own words in my head, the words I have said in defense of my neighborhood a thousand times...
"This area isn't so bad. Don't be out on foot late at night and you will be alright. All those people you see on the news are always getting shot at like 2:00 AM. Nothing good is going on around here at 2:00 AM."
I look at my iPhone and think about how it is currency for thieves.
It says it is 1:47 AM an then it ominously powers down.
Taking the safety off my weapon I get out and say "Sup guys." realizing in my British Peacoat, Old Navy sweater and graying bead, that I am completely lacking in street cred.
"We thought we would try to push you out." one of them says.
Slightly relieved, adrenaline still coursing through my veins. I can no longer tell if I am just a father trying to protect his children or some kind of racist who has fooled himself into believing that he was evolved.
"It's been a long day. Just need to get this van unstuck and I'll figure it out tomorrow." I say to myself.
I start to say "Good lookin out", but remembering my Old Navy sweater, I say "Oh thanks guys. I appreciate the help." and we all start to push.
We push hard...we get it rocking back and forth...my sense of guilt increases with each failed attempt...finally one of them says "Man, I'm gonna run home and grab a shovel."
"Where do you live?" I ask.
"Just a few blocks thatta way." he points.
"Nah man. You guys get to where you are going. Thanks so much for your help, but it is freezing out here. I just live a few blocks away. I'm going to walk home...change outta these wet clothes...grab my shovel and come back and dig myself out."
With that, we shook hands, and the kids and I started walking home.
...
When we got home I told my teenage son to get into some dry clothes and to come help me.
As we got back to the van it was ridiculously cold. The wind was whipping and we were using the shovels to steady ourselves.
I reluctantly handed my son a piece and said "I doubt you will have to use this, but just in case."
I was grateful for all those trips to the shooting range and the firearms safety courses. It was a strange feeling knowing that my little boy was no longer a little boy, but someone who could save my life if worst came to worst.
The thought of my son having to shoot someone disturbed me, but not as much as the thought of someone shooting him.
I wondered if all that target practice and thousands of hours of Call of Duty would translate into him being able to put someone down if we were put in a life or death situation.
Then I told myself to stop thinking such horrible thoughts.
It's 2:00 AM in Emerson Heights...it is -20 with the windchill and we are all business.
...
We began digging.
The cold biting.
About every 10 minutes we would get in the van and try to rock our way out.
Nothing changed.
Digging and more digging.
I hadn't seen a car for an hour.
Tires spinning.
Frustration growing.
Digging..digging...
I knew if I left it here my mini-van would be gone in the morning.
Impounded...hundreds of dollars to get it out...missed work...we had to get this done.
Digging...digging...breaking through ice...silent discouragement...no talking...
Digging...
...
A set of headlights approach.
As it comes into view my I see it is a 4X4 truck with tinted windows.
It stops directly behind us.
I try to see through the windshield, but I cannot so I keep digging.
The tension in my body mounts as the truck sits there, idling.
I think of Henry Gates.
I think of American Psycho.
I think of No Country for Old Men.
I reach in my pocket to make sure my salvation is still there and for the second time I take the safety off.
The truck backs up and goes around us, driving over the curb, with great ease, in the process.
Frosty air comes from my son's mouth as he says "What a dick! It was harder for him to go around then it would have been for him to help us!"
Then the truck stops and slowly backs up toward us.
It comes to a stop and yet again nothing happens.
I continue to dig and finally...fucking finally...one of the doors open.
I reach in my pocket and wait.
I look at my son.
He has stopped shoveling and has his hand in the pocket of his coat.
"Well ...well...well...what have we here? Front wheel drive, huh?"
A man approaches with a chain, kneels down and hooks it to the trailer hitch on his truck.
"I told you if you need anything to just give me a call." and with that I recognize the voice and when he turnes around I see the smiling face of my friend Tony.
"Oh my god, dude. You saved my ass!!"
"Yeah these things got some power, but front wheel drive. That's the problem. They can't really pull you out once you get stuck." he says affixing the other end of the chain to my vehicle.
"Dude I thought you were gonna kill us. Why did you sit in your truck so long behind us like that?"
"Oh, I was just trying to see if I could push you out, but I was afraid I would bust your tail-lights, the way these line-up." he pauses "Thought I was gonna kill you, huh? No I've been drivin around in this gettin people unstuck all night. This thing will drive through anything."
"Let me know if you need anything else."
And with that, he was off.
Never have I appreciated the warmth of my home so much.
Never have I been so grateful for good friends...and good strangers...who become friends..when situations that require us to stick together arise.
I was grateful for the struggle and the relief when the struggle was over.
I was grateful for shovels and dry clothes.
I am grateful that I was wrong...and that my neighborhood is beautiful...even after dark and sometimes... and that good things do happen around here... at 2:00 am.
God, sick of listening to me, stops my vehicle cold.
We are stuck.
Right in the middle of the road.
Just a few blocks from our home.
Spin...spin...forward...reverse...forward...reverse...the smell of burning rubber.
The gas gauge is on E...I cannot do this rocking back and forth thing for much longer or I will be stuck in the snow and out of gas as well.
A bunch of black guys start walking towards our van.
Now when people tell a story and they say "black guy" or "Asian lady" I always stop them and say "Is this person's skin tone essential to the telling of your story?"
In this case it is, because it may be self-implicating.
I wonder if I was more afraid due to the fact that these young men were black.
I analyze it against, imagining a group of white guys coming up on my van like that and I think I would have been just as scared considering the time and place.
But I wonder...
As I exited the vehicle I could hear my own words in my head, the words I have said in defense of my neighborhood a thousand times...
"This area isn't so bad. Don't be out on foot late at night and you will be alright. All those people you see on the news are always getting shot at like 2:00 AM. Nothing good is going on around here at 2:00 AM."
I look at my iPhone and think about how it is currency for thieves.
It says it is 1:47 AM an then it ominously powers down.
Taking the safety off my weapon I get out and say "Sup guys." realizing in my British Peacoat, Old Navy sweater and graying bead, that I am completely lacking in street cred.
"We thought we would try to push you out." one of them says.
Slightly relieved, adrenaline still coursing through my veins. I can no longer tell if I am just a father trying to protect his children or some kind of racist who has fooled himself into believing that he was evolved.
"It's been a long day. Just need to get this van unstuck and I'll figure it out tomorrow." I say to myself.
I start to say "Good lookin out", but remembering my Old Navy sweater, I say "Oh thanks guys. I appreciate the help." and we all start to push.
We push hard...we get it rocking back and forth...my sense of guilt increases with each failed attempt...finally one of them says "Man, I'm gonna run home and grab a shovel."
"Where do you live?" I ask.
"Just a few blocks thatta way." he points.
"Nah man. You guys get to where you are going. Thanks so much for your help, but it is freezing out here. I just live a few blocks away. I'm going to walk home...change outta these wet clothes...grab my shovel and come back and dig myself out."
With that, we shook hands, and the kids and I started walking home.
...
When we got home I told my teenage son to get into some dry clothes and to come help me.
As we got back to the van it was ridiculously cold. The wind was whipping and we were using the shovels to steady ourselves.
I reluctantly handed my son a piece and said "I doubt you will have to use this, but just in case."
I was grateful for all those trips to the shooting range and the firearms safety courses. It was a strange feeling knowing that my little boy was no longer a little boy, but someone who could save my life if worst came to worst.
The thought of my son having to shoot someone disturbed me, but not as much as the thought of someone shooting him.
I wondered if all that target practice and thousands of hours of Call of Duty would translate into him being able to put someone down if we were put in a life or death situation.
Then I told myself to stop thinking such horrible thoughts.
It's 2:00 AM in Emerson Heights...it is -20 with the windchill and we are all business.
...
We began digging.
The cold biting.
About every 10 minutes we would get in the van and try to rock our way out.
Nothing changed.
Digging and more digging.
I hadn't seen a car for an hour.
Tires spinning.
Frustration growing.
Digging..digging...
I knew if I left it here my mini-van would be gone in the morning.
Impounded...hundreds of dollars to get it out...missed work...we had to get this done.
Digging...digging...breaking through ice...silent discouragement...no talking...
Digging...
...
A set of headlights approach.
As it comes into view my I see it is a 4X4 truck with tinted windows.
It stops directly behind us.
I try to see through the windshield, but I cannot so I keep digging.
The tension in my body mounts as the truck sits there, idling.
I think of Henry Gates.
I think of American Psycho.
I think of No Country for Old Men.
I reach in my pocket to make sure my salvation is still there and for the second time I take the safety off.
The truck backs up and goes around us, driving over the curb, with great ease, in the process.
Frosty air comes from my son's mouth as he says "What a dick! It was harder for him to go around then it would have been for him to help us!"
Then the truck stops and slowly backs up toward us.
It comes to a stop and yet again nothing happens.
I continue to dig and finally...fucking finally...one of the doors open.
I reach in my pocket and wait.
I look at my son.
He has stopped shoveling and has his hand in the pocket of his coat.
"Well ...well...well...what have we here? Front wheel drive, huh?"
A man approaches with a chain, kneels down and hooks it to the trailer hitch on his truck.
"I told you if you need anything to just give me a call." and with that I recognize the voice and when he turnes around I see the smiling face of my friend Tony.
"Oh my god, dude. You saved my ass!!"
"Yeah these things got some power, but front wheel drive. That's the problem. They can't really pull you out once you get stuck." he says affixing the other end of the chain to my vehicle.
"Dude I thought you were gonna kill us. Why did you sit in your truck so long behind us like that?"
"Oh, I was just trying to see if I could push you out, but I was afraid I would bust your tail-lights, the way these line-up." he pauses "Thought I was gonna kill you, huh? No I've been drivin around in this gettin people unstuck all night. This thing will drive through anything."
"Let me know if you need anything else."
And with that, he was off.
Never have I appreciated the warmth of my home so much.
Never have I been so grateful for good friends...and good strangers...who become friends..when situations that require us to stick together arise.
I was grateful for the struggle and the relief when the struggle was over.
I was grateful for shovels and dry clothes.
I am grateful that I was wrong...and that my neighborhood is beautiful...even after dark and sometimes... and that good things do happen around here... at 2:00 am.
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