Friday, May 9, 2014

Kim Kardashian is a Klingon

Whenever Coma Dolls are opening up for some huge arena act like The Strokes or Panic! At The Disco

I plan to use my fame to sleep with Kim Kardashian.

Then when she is following me around at a party, acting all clingy, holding onto my arm, I will say

"Hey sweetie, why don't you go freshen my martini?" and hand her my empty glass.

When she walks away I will say in my drollest Downton Abbey accent "She says she's a Kardashian, but she acts more like a Kling-on."

Then all my nerdy friends and I will laugh through our noses at her, slap live long and proper high-fives and push up our glasses at the same time.

You just got played by a geek, Miss Kardashian.

Checkmate, bitch.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Thomas Jefferson Would Beat Yo Ass

People who (mis)interpret the second amendment to the constitution are too insane to own deadly weapons.

They keep saying "Der tryin to take our guns."

They are the same people who say of immigrants "Dey took our jobs."

No one wants YOUR gun you jerkoff.


These paranoid conspiracy theorists do NOT speak for the people.

They are, in fact, lunatic fringe.

The NRA has 1.5 million members (even though the fudge their numbers and say they have twice that many.)

1.5 million FOR and 300 million AGAINST.

The intelligent people of America DEMAND mandatory criminal and psychological background checks for potential gun owners.

If you have an anger problem then you do not need a gun.

If you have psychological impairments such as schizophrenia none of us want you armed.

If you have a history of violence then sorry, no gun for you.


If these common sense laws offend you then I doubt that YOU want what is best for our country.

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun...IS TO KEEP SO MANY BAD GUYS FROM GETTING GUNS.

These gun nuts keep saying that they will use their guns to take on the government one day.


You really think our own government is going to use it's own military against it's own citizens?

First of all that is paranoid thinking.

Second of all your AR-15 assault rifle would not help you against tanks and the advanced weaponry our military has.

You are talking crazy talk while we are pleading for REASONABLE regulation.

When our forefathers wrote the constitution, the most powerful firearm was A MUSKET!!

It took six minutes to load and fired one shot that was only effective at distances of 6-8 feet.

Don't tell me Thomas Jefferson wanted you to own an AR-15.

He would beat your ass for saying some shit like that.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

David Ladue Voted Most Like to Be a Minnesota School Shooter

I've processing the near-miss school shooting in Minnesota.

For those of you who didn't see the story a 17 year old honor roll student had planned to kill his family with a rifle, set a diversionary fire (to pull police away from his school) then drive to the school and while THE ENTIRE SCHOOL was having lunch, detonate several pressure cooker bombs, killing every person in the cafeteria and waiting outside the lunch room exit, murdering those who escaped the bombs as they came out.

His plan was solid and he had the artillery.

Nine guns and 7 finished bombs (he was working on more when the police caught him).

He had been working on his plan for 10 months.

He had written a 150 page manifesto about it.

He was not bullied.

He was well-liked.

So what gives?

I am tired of people saying "mental illness".

What does that even mean?

Isn't that just the way we describe things that make no sense to us?

The principal said "These events are the canary in the coal mine." meaning that there were the symptom of a much bigger problem in our culture.

This just doesn't happen in other countries.

And when it HAS happened, the country's governments have reacted with extreme measures to keep it from reoccurring.

So how is it that we have this happen so many times in America that we barely bat an eye?

What is wrong with our culture?

Why are these kids always male?

Why are they always white?

Why do they always come from middle class or suburban families?

Why aren't poor kids the ones doing the mass shootings?

Why do the predominance of these shootings seem to happen in blue states?

If it were YOUR kid, would you have known what he was about to do?

He was into heavy metal.

So fucking what?

He liked horror movies.

Who the fuck doesn't?

He was said to love violent video games.

Like every kid in America.

He hunted and killed animals.


He idolized Eric Harris and Dillon Tibold (the Columbine killers).


People knew this and they didn't see this coming?!?!

Who the fuck idolizes school shooters?!

He wanted to do the shooting on 4/20, not in celebration of marijuana, like a normal teenager, but in celebration of the anniversary of the Columbine massacre.

But he couldn't, because 4/20 was Easter Sunday and school was not in session.

So he decided to make more bombs and do it in May.

And then he fucked up and got busted.

He said that he was going to kill people until the swat team killed him.

But now he is in custody and he seems to like talking.

So maybe we can learn about what goes on in the mind of a spree killer.

I really want to know.

I want to know why this happens so we can prevent it from ever happening again.

I want to know why this happens in America all the time, and doesn't happen other places.

Oh and one more thing.

They are trying him as a minor, which means he will be free when he is 21.

I am outraged by this.

If they try him as an adult he will be free at age 35.

Still too soon.

The guy was going to kill 600 children!!!!

He tested his bombs on the elementary school playground!!!!

Seriously just kill this prick.

But study him first.

Find out why this happens.

Then put a bullet in his head.