Holidays, Hospitals and Things Left Unsaid

These holidays always turn me melancholy.

I drink more...and laugh more...

And for some reason it's okay to love more.

No one looks at me sideways.

I drive and listen to orchestral Christmas music.

And I tear up very easily.

When I roll through poor neighborhoods I imagine the children and their parents and how the holidays highlight the disparity between the haves and the have-nots.

My heart aches and I want to save every last one of them.

One year I was drunk and explaining this to my friend.

I told her how I wanted to anonymously give them all what they needed for Christmas.

On Christmas morning all the children would look up at their parents and feel so loved and taken care of.

And the parents would wonder what happened and their faith in miracles would be renewed.

My friend was laughing hysterically and said "You know what you are describing, don't you?"

I looked at her quizzically and she said "You want to be Santa Clause." and she fell over laughing.

I had never thought of it that way, but yeah, sure.

But of course, it is obvious I am just trying to heal some wound in myself right?

That I am trying to save that little Mykl who wondered why Santa didn't bring him presents when I tried so hard to be good...

But I can't save the world.

And children go hungry.

And little ones fall through the cracks and I cannot catch them...

And Santa skips a lot of houses in the hood...

And people tell their kids that it is because they were bad, because that is easier than admitting the truth...

And I don't even come close to knowing how to mend these tiny broken hearts...

So I drive to the hospital to visit my mother and she has once again nearly died and once again I am limbo between wanting to love her the way I imagine a son is supposed to love his mother...

And wanting to be angry at her for what she did to me and what she let others do to me.

But it is too late for all that...

The time for "Why didn't you protect me?!" has passed...

We are all too old for that now...

And she doesn't know anyway.

No one knows anything...

But there are other people there...other family members who I never see.

Simple people...who I used to hate for their simplicity...

And I am starting to appreciate now for their simplicity...

And I don't know what to say to these people...

And I feel that they hate me..but I realize that is just me projecting...

So I accept that I have nothing to say to them so I talk to them about simple things...

And I keep my opinions to myself...not because I am fake, but because I know they wouldn't understand and I don't want to hurt them...

And we talk about football...and we talk about food...and we talk about things I don't care about at all...

And it's not so bad...

The things I imagine define me I had to leave at the door.

They don't know I am a feminist...

They don't know I am a gay rights supporter...

They don't know I am a singer in a rock band...

I might as well tell them I am a space alien...

They talk about Jesus and they talk about  9/11...

They talk about Peyton Fucking Manning!!

And then one of them ask me if I like Linkin Park...

Which would have been enough to make me throw a punch a few years ago, but I realize it is not meant to be offensive...

It is their way of trying to understand me..and to connect with me...

So I say "Well...they certainly are very successful. My band could learn a lot about marketing from them."

Because I appreciate this effort and want to reciprocate...

And then my uncle says "You probably don't remember planting potatoes with me when you were a little kid."

"I was four." I say.

"Yeah!!" he is excited "And I enjoyed digging those holes with you so much that I knew right then that I wanted to have a boy of my own and that's why I asked you to marry me." and he looks at my aunt.

They smile at each other and their eyes twinkle and I think about their kids and try to remember them.

I remember that they have four...all adults now.

"It's because of you that I have this amazing life." he says.

"It was at night I say...I always thought I imagined that."

Everyone is smiling...

And somehow...for a moment...everything makes sense.